Runaway Train

and I'm the conductor....crap?

Right now, i'm just chugging along, not really having much downtime to actually write a post.
At the moment, i feel like i'm going on this predetermined path that I have no idea of..but i'm just here for the ride, whether i like it or not.
I'm using this analogy simply because the runaway train analogy popped in my head a few minutes ago while taking a shower.
It's an analogy that pops up quite often as i just mull around in my memory.
I believe it came up while studying Descartes' First Meditations.
Oddly enough, I remember that it was my first time doing summer courses at UT..
it was a pretty small class...3 hours... and as usual, a few intimidating classmates.
We had a very important French philosopher watching over our lesson that day, as he was our lecturer's supervisor for his/her final stamp for her phD.
I know i wanted time to look over a few things, but of course in the education system, you really don't have time.
So now i'm digesting it and applying it.

Back to the present:
I feel like I have a destination i'm getting closer to.
The anxiety deep inside of my mind and heart is telling me so..
I'm sure i could have gotten significantly closer to it by now..
but instead, i vied for the scenic route (I always preferred the scenic route)
at the expense of a few years...and at no expense of my mental, emotional, physical and *gawd* knows what...which would have been the cost if i had gotten to the most direct route.
As for my destination, I have no idea but hey! I might as well enjoy the ride.

I know a handful of you want me back home,
but you know i can't, not yet.
I do have very good reasons as to why returning prematurely, from my perspective, would not be conducive towards my entire whole as a person.
Despite being scoffed at by my Jungian professor when I answered a personal question of hers that I was planning to "find myself",
It's not that i'm "finding" as if i've never seen myself..
but more of having lost myself in what i had to do, such as finishing up my studies and well...surviving..
I'm just trying to get myself back together, after many individuals' attempts to mold me into something that they seemed fit..
and to learn and get to know myself better.
It's extremely difficult to do so in an atmosphere in which there is a very strong idea of what one believes or thinks I am.
If you treat a person like they're an idiot...after awhile, they'll begin to believe it and act accordingly, despite previously obviously not being anywhere near the treatment imposed on that person.

I'll just end this post now,
the pup's telling me i'm neglecting her..
so i'll just share this song that i've been jamming to and have had on constant loop for the past few days.
Also, i'm pretty stoked that I will be attending Ne-yo and Chris Brown's concert this coming April 6th with a Kickass Korean, Jiny and my other co-workers.
I'm extremely stoked.