hyphenated-reality

that word has been constantly running through my head
thoughout my time in Korea.

How is it that wherever I go,
I have to constantly prove
either my asian-ness
or my western-ness

in Canada,
to the Asians, I had to prove how more Chinese I was
and to my employers and collegues, my North American liberalness..

And now, in Korea,
I have to constantly prove how North American I am.

Currently, at my school,
I am constantly on edge...
having to prove how Western I am...
having to hide my Chinese roots..
and constantly in fear that my students would drop,
simply b/c my skin is yellow.
Despite my level of English and abilities as a teacher,
I will lose my school's business b/c of my skin...
in an Asian country...

It's unavoidable, isn't?
yes, I am Chinese
yes, I am Canadian
and here, the hyphen resides:
Chinese-Canadian.
Thank you Wayson Choy.

I live in a hyphenated reality.
My skin tells the world that I am of an Asian descent
My way of thought and way of communication, North American.
And yet my practices, perspective...is the mixture of those two worlds.
Why is it that the societies that i reside in must always make a distinction between the two?
That I must either be Chinese OR Canadian.

Right now, I have to be Canadian
and I must hide my Chinese roots.
Sure, I can hardly speak any Cantonese...
but I grew up with a strong Chinese influence (food, traditions)
but I also grew up in Canada... with its own traditions.
Can they not work together?
Can't I show the world both without having to overcompensate one over the other?

Yes, it's true a Chinese perspective is different from a Canadian one...
but it works
the hybrid of the two exists and does not contradict one another.
I know, because I am that hybrid.

And now, this hybrid is at risk of losing a job
b/c a society deems her not good enough to teach English
b/c of her skin.
Despite having a greater grasp of English than the rest of her other co-workers.

so that's what's on my mind as of late.
Sure, things happened throughout the week
but i prefer writing this down.
b/c it's been bugging me.

Right now, i'm really feelin' and playing on constant loop:
Apologize - Timbaland ft One Republic

just a number

after last night's escapades...
it has solidified my thoughts of myself about
just being too old for all of these late night parties.

i can do with the gambling....
and i can even do with the clubbing...
but i can't do this to my body anymore.
And the club scene really isn't for me,
except just to hang with friends.
Sure, getting random strangers attempting to pick you up
and telling you you're hot
or making out with ex-models just for the sake of it
feeds the self-esteem/ego
but...that really doesn't do it for me.
despite being 23, and technically still "young" or a "baby"
to my co-workers and peers,
i know who i am,
i know what i want..
and i can distinguish the difference between a superficial appreciation and a quality appreciation.
the latter is what i want.
and the former is the one that i just brush off my shoulder or just to simply nod to.

Besides, i don't think i'd really want to meet anyone under those conditions.
just not something i'm looking for when i'm in there.
i just want to have a good time w/ friends.

i know i am young, age-wise
and i can act like a kid most of the time....
but deep down inside,
i'm older than the ones who are three or four times my age.
Life may bring people experiences and knowledge,
but until you actually use it and apply it to your life,
one will never attain wisdom and growth.

I guess i should be thankful for the crap that i had to go through
in order for me to get a grasp on different perspectives
and knowledge.

Final note?
know what your limit is and when to say "that's enough"

as promised:

pics!
at the 63 building's crappy sea world.
I couldn't help but do this...for the sex ed. counsellor in me.
..and the konglish
haha


at a korean Lush! (yeah, i'm as surprised as you are)
with...KONGliSh!!!
the koreans have a tendency to switch 'l's and 'r's...
mostly because of their language's switching of the two.


here's me terrified as we got to the fireworks grounds an hour early...
a sea of koreans...
possibility of losing me in this sea of asians?
and me getting lost with the inability to communicate that i'm lost?
99.5%


here's my russian whor...err...i mean...Angela and I waiting in line to get up to the observatory.


here's us being goofs..
with the photo ops section.
it's suppose to look like we're climbing up the 63 building


here's me taking the last parachute as erin falls to her bloody death
bwahahhahaha!!


aaaaaaaaaaaaand...here's my msn pic currently:

Korea: where you can have your dog and eat it too

this past saturday,
i went w/ a group of comrades to the 63 building (Korea's tallest building)
and to check out the international fireworks competition.
the 63 building was *meh* but the photo ops were absolutely hilarious.
(which shall be posted soon)
As for the fireworks?!
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!
and i've seen many fireworks in my days...
but these were absolutely ridiculous,
and like in Korean fashion:
absolutely over the top, unnecessary, but visually pleasing.
I was extremely satisfied and in awe.

Also, during the fireworks display,
the realization that:
"Gawd, i'm in Korea! i'm REALLY in Korea! on my own!"
had hit me.
and i felt so humbled.

Another humbling thing that occurred was that on monday...
I GOT PAID!!
WOOT!
working for about a month and a half...
with the 500 000 won advance...
i wanted to dance in my bank when i checked my balance..
but when i was in mid breakout dance.. an old lady was staring at me,
so i quickly walked away
with the biggest smile on my face.
i can't believe how decently paid we are here, based on our benefits,
the type of work we do...
and the living expenses..
it's absolutely insane.


today, while walking the sophster,
i had an interesting...encounter...
which now leaves me to come up with a decision
before i receive a certain call.
and lemmie tell you:
i'm EXTREMELY tempted..

talkin' and drinkin' with the SLP crew

I just returned from an AMAZING night...
with my bosses and the pre-middle schooler teachers.
Tonight, our bosses took us out for dinner and drinks as a belated welcome party for the new teachers for the night crew.
I was one of those welcomees.
We had amazing fresh seafood (and i mean: AMAZING)
i tried some of the different seafoods i saw at busan..
and i tried the soju that's fermented in a bamboo..
which tastes like an apple flavoured vodka...
and it went down smooth
I was very impressed.

But we had awesome conversations...
and my bosses are amazing and are absolutely entertained by me
and how i interact with many of the teachers.
It was great.
I got to learn a lot about my bosses and my co-workers...
and had fun too.
Even before we went for dinner,
lauren, adam, sunny and I finished early before the other teachers,
so we took out a game of scrabble.
fun stuff.
My supervisor was going to join us, but she thought she would have a great disadvantage against us foreigners (with the exception of sunny).

It was a great day.
and seeing my bosses smashed was insanely entertaining.
And the food and drinks just kept on coming.
It was like an endless stream of seafood, soju and beer.

I'm loving my employment,
and it seems (to my relief) that my bosses are cool with me.

I'll even be hiking with my bosses and a few of my co-workers next saturday on one of the thousands of mountain in Korea.
....i'm screwed
lol

alright, time to do some late night laundry.

the brighter side

it's not that i'm lazy about blogging...
it's more of: i'm too busy enjoying what i'm doing...
or, i'm going to work and there's really nothing much to talk about.

however, I do have something to write now.
This past monday,
I was at my kindergarten class teaching science..
now usually, i hate these classes b/c the science projects i'm teaching
are way over the children's heads...
i have to take care of 12 screaming pre-schoolers that speak an entirely different language...
and i have to do their individual science experiments all at the same time as the rest continue to scream and whine
"help me teacher, why aren't you helping me?!"

But at the beginning of this kindergarten class...
the cutest little korean girl grabbed my arm
(mind you, many korean kids grab onto you...i have been sexually molested by many of them continuously...)
she patted my arm...
and then kissed it.
She then backed away with the most innocent of eyes.

I think i just melted when that happened and brightened up my day.
That was the most innocent thing I think i have ever experienced.
the act of well...appreciation with no strings attached.
and it just occurred out of nowhere,
since i just entered the class with an armful of science materials.
And that very scene has just been playing in my mind for the past few days.
b/c it's rare that i receive such...honest affections.

Anyways,
despite being in Korea, I still celebrated Canadian thanksgiving.
I got hooked up with a 20 lbs bird called "turkey'
and paid 20 bucks for it
*score*
However, I was given the task to cook the turkey...
in a small convection oven...it took about seven to eight hours to reach the end result:


now imagine you trying to cram a massive 20 lbs turkey into a small-sized convection oven...
cuz lemmie tell you...i didn't have to.
I had to cut the ribs open and smash it into the turkey,
take off the wings and legs in order to fit that damn thing in.
It was a 2 1/2 hour wrestle, to the amusement of my co-worker.
But it was no lighter..since I had stuffed the turkey with various vegetables.
In the end, the end product, I must say..was not too shabby:
the turkey with the gravy (all homemade with the very limited ingredients i had)


and the rest of the spread:


here are the ppl who feasted (without erin, since she was taking the pic)
do mind my scrabby look since I had less than 5 hours of sleep
and for the most of the day was cooking a massive turkey,
sweating, cleaning, and hauling that mo' fo' to and fro



As for my trip to the traditional Korea village this past saturday...
here are a few pics:

me trying to work the ancient grinder...
and apparently "failing epically" (by erin)


foraging for some food...cuz as always: "so hungeee"


sneaking into a field of some crop for a photo op


Aaaaaaaand getting punished accordingly for trespassing, korean style


Also, there was an international museum at that place
and lemmie tell you:
it was like they went to the cheapest souvenir shops all over the world
and just put them on display.
It was hilarious and scary at the same time.
Since it was mixed with racist and just utterly incorrect.
hell! they even got China wrong!

alright, time to go to bed.
i would love to receive mail from people *hint**hint*

sometimes i surprise myself:

ho - is missing her moobs and the things attached to them says:
you're the date that craps

ho - is missing her moobs and the things attached to them says:
but not the crap date

Derek - CONGRATULATIONS!!! (you moron) says:
lol

Derek - CONGRATULATIONS!!! (you moron) says:
um

Derek - CONGRATULATIONS!!! (you moron) says:
what's the difference

ho - is missing her moobs and the things attached to them says:
the date that craps merely has to go to the washroom once in a while....

ho - is missing her moobs and the things attached to them says:
while the crap date makes me want to be in the washroom all the time

Derek - CONGRATULATIONS!!! (you moron) says:
LOL

Derek - CONGRATULATIONS!!! (you moron) says:
i see

Derek - CONGRATULATIONS!!! (you moron) says:
subtle but big difference

ho - is missing her moobs and the things attached to them says:
indeed

a revised Nat King Cole song

forgettable.
a bittersweet realization.
sweet b/c the evidence and regrets, lost.
bitter b/c my worth to you, revealed.


today i went to Suwon with Erin and met up with a new girl from England, Marie.
Cool time.
Went to the korean traditional village...
not bad, but it was too commercialized..kinda like Pioneer Village back at home.
I prefer Busan better.

Erin forced me on a rollercoaster-like ride.
Throughout the entire time, I grabbed onto her yelling:
I HATE YOU SO MUCH, ERIN! I HATE YOOOU
as my bowels and organs flew up and down within my body

went back to my area and helped find and move a new couch for Erin
*woot* free stuff.
It was an amazing modern couch..and essentially in mint condition.

Also, Lauren hooked us up with a 20lbs turkey....for 20 bucks!
we'll be having our own little canadian thanksgiving over here...
and why not.

i should go to bed asap.
I'll be waking up at 8am to start cooking a 20 lbs turkey
:*(
pray for leash

Lessons Learned:

don't cook bacon and eggs.....













when you're semi-nude.

excuse me as i medicate my 2nd degree burns
all over my.....
well, too much information (in public, that is)

serenity prayer

after hearing this song from a LeAnn Rimes' concert,
I fell in love with this song.
Of course I could only get it...4 months later :(
but it's finally out.
It's off of her new album "Family"
and..well...i absolutely adore it
b/c it's essentially a musical version of a prayer that i try to live by.

What I Cannot Change
LeAnn Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
and to know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won’t make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Yeah I don’t know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get passed the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world
Than it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Well I know I can’t care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

i love options

hmmm....a year in shanghai/beijing to teach and/or to study?!
mmmmm......i love options
and i love how i can just get up and leave.

also, a vacation with fatman to anywhere around the world?!
w/ free hotel stay?!
*awesome*
i love my life.
seriously.

fishing self

it's interesting how people can easily lose themselves.
i know i've fallen victim to that,
but not for awhile...a long while
and i'm glad of that.
Of course, I have suffered much for swimming against the powerful waves of conformity
but at least i don't have to suffer from those awful moments of realization and regret of actions made out of character.

And we all know: I have character

of course there have been those terrible moments when i've been torn
about how easy it would be just to follow the crowd
or to just follow whatever direction the wind blows....
but then...i would lose myself
and i've worked so hard to be...well...myself
or to even reach a point of knowing and feeling comfortable with myself.
Hence, despite being in a conservative atmosphere...
i'm really not going to hide myself.
I haven't and the people have accepted me that way.
It's not just b/c of my unique character...but it's also b/c my co-workers and peers know that how I act is completely honest
they know i'm not faking or hiding who i am.
I just..well...am.
And they can't really shun me for being...well...me.
You can't get mad at a person who's being entirely honest about themselves to you.
It's not a deception,
so how can you be mad at a person who has no intention and has not decieved you?
you just can't!


Anyways, that's just something that i wanted to write.
On another note, I've been asked if i wanted to continue being a teacher...perhaps as a long time thing.
My answer?
HELLS NO!
at the moment, i am utterly uninspired as a teacher.
Majority of the time, i feel like smacking a few of the kids.
I also don't think i would ever be enthused about teaching children or any individuals that are the likes of the people i'm currently teaching.
Also, the paperwork is extremely tedious and a plenty.
It's sad that the best part of my work would probably be editting my co-worker's works or the journals the children are assigned to write.
But then...this does beat being a filing girl, a physiotherapist's assistant...or a factory worker (and i should know, since i've had said occupations in my past)
And i'm just enjoying the perks of being here.
Including the many paid holidays...and the many holidays, in general
*huzzah* to asia and their numerous holidays, in comparison to the frugal north americans!

i'll end this entry now.
there were a few things i wanted to put down here...
but it's not fully thought out.

sophie says "hello, my lovely audience. Come and play with me!"
*gawd* she's such a whore.
lol